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Q: What is the difference between a soprano and a rotweiller?
A: Jewelry
Q: What do you get when you cross a trombone player and an orangutan.
A: A retarded orangutan
Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country & Western Musicians
with Their Translated "Country" Definitions
- 12 Tone Scale: The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailor truck with.
- A 440: The highway that runs around Nashville.
- Aeolian Mode: How you like Mama's cherry pie.
- Altos: Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes."
- Arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
- Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
- Bass: The things you run around in Softball.
- Bassoon: Typical response when asked what you hope to catch and when.
- Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
- Bossa Nova: The car your foreman drives.
- Cadenza: The ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off when company comes.
- Cello: The proper way to answer the phone.
- Clarinet: Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
- Clef: What you try to never fall off of.
- Bass Clef: Where you wind up if you do fall off.
- Conductor: The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.
- Cut Time: Parole.
- Cymbal: What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to
sight-in your pistol with.
- Diminished 5th: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
- 1st Inversion: Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
- Major Scale: What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain; "Whew!" That was a major scale!"
- Melodic Min.: Loretta Lynn's singing dad.
- Minor 3rd: Your approximate age & grade at the completion of formal schooling.
- Order of Sharps: What a wimp gets at the bar.
- Passing Tone: Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
- Perfect 5th: A full bottle of Jack Daniels.
- Perfect Pitch: The smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
- Pianissimo: "Refill this beer bottle."
- Portamento: A foreign country you've always wanted to see.
- 1/4 tone: What most standard pickups can haul.
- Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps.
- Relative Minor: A girlfriend.
- Repeat: What you do until they just expel you.
- Ritard: There's one in every family.
- Sonata: What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
- Staccato: How you did all your ceilings in your mobile home.
- Tempo: Good choice for a used car.
- Time Signature: What you need from your boss if your forget to clock in.
- Transpositions: Men who wear dresses.
- Treble: Women ain't nothin' but.
- Tuba: A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
- Whole Note: What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
A player in an orchestra forgot the time of their next performance, so he rang the conductors office and asked to
speak to the conductor. He was told that he had passed away earlier.
He hung up, considered this for a few minutes, then rang
again. He got the same reply. After the fifteenth time, he got the reply, "Look, he's dead! Why the hell do you keep ringing us?."
Replied the musician, "I just like to hear you say it."
A violin player came home one day to find his house burnt to the ground, and policemen, firemen etc, standing
around. He went up to one and asked, "What happened to my house?"
The policeman replied, "Well, the conductor came to your house at -"
The violinist interrrupted in amazement, "The conductor? Came to my house?"
Q: What do you call two trumpet players and three Tuba plaers walking into a strip club?
A: Horny
Band Director on phone: "Doctor, Doctor, what do I do ? My oboe player just swallowed her reed !
Doctor: "Well...use a muted trumpet."
Submitted by Rich MANNING
Q What's the difference between a French Horn and a '57 Chevy?
A You can tune a '57 Chevy.
Two tuba players walked by a bar...
Hey! It could happen
Submitted by Scott Richardson
Q What do you do with a bad conductor?
A Stand next to him during a thunder storm.
Submitted by Mark Tarallo
Q What's the definition of a minor second?
A Two flutes in unison.
Q Why do clarinettists leave their cases on their dashboards?
A So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A The out-of-tune tenor sax player. Meeting the other two means you're hallucinating.
Q How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A The bow is moving.
Q If you needed a heart transplant, why would you want one from a conductor?
A Because it's had so little use.
Submitted by Torstein SchrØder Hansen
Q How do you get two trumpet players to play in tune?
A Shoot one of them!
Q How do you make your mom drive really fast?
A Put your guitar in the middle of the road.
Q How do you make a guitarist stop playing?
A Put music in front of him
Q How many sopranos does does it take to change a light bulb?
A One! She stands on the ladder and the whole world revolves around her!
Q How do you know when a soprano is at the door?
A They have the wrong key and you have to tell them when to come in.
Q How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A One to climb the ladder and the rest to complain about how high it is.
Q How do you tune four oboes?
A Shoot three of them.
Q What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A When you toss a clarinet in the toilet and it doesn't hit the sides.
Q How do you tell a soprano from a pyrhana?
A The jewelry.Submitted by Paul de Silva
Q How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A Twenty, one to hold the bulb and nineteen to drink beer till the room spins.
Q What's the difference between a keyboard and a coffin?
A The coffin has the corpse on the inside!
Q How do you know that there's a singer at the door?
A He never knows when to come in
Submitted by Mattias Herner
Q What do you call a gnome who lives in the city?
A A Metronome.
Q What has three legs and a butt on top?
A A drum stool.
Q What's the definition of optimistic?
A A trombone player who carries a beeper.
Q Why did the trombone player cross the road?
A To get to his day gig.
Q How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A Take your hand out of the bell and play without any semblance of taste.
Q Why are violins smaller than violas?
A They're not really, it's just that violinists' heads are bigger.
Q How can you tell if the stage is level?
A The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Submitted by Paul de Silva
Definition of a gentleman:
A man who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't. -- Anonymous
Q How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A Five. One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room spins.
Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in his car?
He couldn't get the drummer out.
Submitted by Daniel Sweeney/ Frank Fogg (of Torn)
Q How is an electric guitar like a vacuum cleaner?
A They both suck when you plug them in.
Q Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A The bassoon burns longer.
Q How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A Cut the noose
Jazz Meets Classical
An orchestra was rehearsing a contemporary symphony in which there was a particularly difficult jazz trumpet riff. However, none of the trumpet players could play it. One trumpet player suggests they hire in a jazz trumpeter. The conductor screams, "NO, NO, NO!! Jazz musicians are irresponsible, can't play in tune, and are
not real musicians!!" Finally, they talk him into it.
The next night at 7:57 (for an 8:00 rehearsal) the jazz musician shows up carrying his trumpet in a paper bag. The conductor decides to wait until after to yell at him. But the jazz-man plays the riff perfectly the first time. The conductor tries to thank him after rehearsal, but the cat is gone.
The next couple of rehearsals go pretty much the same way, with the cat actually playing the entire first trumpet part - perfectly.
Finally, the conductor grabs him after rehearsal and says, "You know, at first I didn't want to hire you because I thought jazz musicians were irresponsible and couldn't play in tune, but I must say you have changed my mind. Thank you."
The jazz-man says, "Well, cat, I figure it's the least I could do since I can't make the gig."
Q What's the difference between a lawnmower and a saxophone?
A You can tune the lawnmower.
Q What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A No one cries when you chop up the oboe.
Q How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Q What's the difference between a trampoline and a bassoon?
A You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.
Q What is the range of a piccolo?
A Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.
Submitted by Scott Trebes
Q Why does a drummer have 10 points higher I.Q. than a horse?
A So he doesn't poop in the middle of the parade!
Submitted by Mary Ellen Stansberry
Q How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A 1-5-1-5-...
Q How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A Four. One to change it and the other three discussing how Dizzy Gillespie would have done it.
Submitted by Geoff Bardwell
Q How can you tell when there's a drummer at the door?
A His knock slows down.
Submitted by "Peter Peters"
Q What did the drummer get on his theory exam?
A Drool.
Q What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A Homeless!
Q Why was Mozart lost?
A Because his teacher was Hydn.
Submitted by Lizzi Davenport
One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few minutes with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: "Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a conductor!"
Q What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A Put a sheet of music in front of him.
Musical Oxymorons:
Snare Drum Music
Professional Drummer
Q Why do bands need Roadies?
A To translate what the drummer says.
Q Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven?
A Because he woke the baby for Christ's sake!
Q What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!
Q How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.
A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decided to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He went to a music store, walked in, approached the store clerk, and said, "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian." The store clerk looked at him a bit funny, and replied "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay."
A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says, "Very bad when the drumming stops."
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going on and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts, "What happens when the drumming stops?!"
"Bass solo."
Johnny to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!
Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both.
Q What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A A drummer.
Q How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.
Q What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A "Hey, guys, why don't we try one of my songs?"
Q What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
A "Would you like fries with that?"
An excerpt from an old church bulletin: "Our mixed chorus sang last Sunday in a regional broadcast from Minneapolis. It was nice to hear them and realize they were nearly a thousand miles away."
While an orchestra was playing Tschaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet overture, an elderly man in the audience wept and wept. "You must be an incurable romantic," said the woman seated next to him. "No," he said, "I'm a musician."
Top of Page
Quotes
from The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce:
"The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two."
Submitted by Mea
Mark Twain on Wagner's Parsifal:
I was not able to detect in the vocal parts of *Parsifal* anything that might with confidence be called rhythm or tune or melody; one person performed at a time -- and a long time, too -- often in a noble, and always in a high-toned, voice; but he only pulled out long notes, then some short ones, then another long one, then a sharp, quick, peremptory bark or two -- and so on and so on; and when he was done you saw that the information which he had conveyed had not compensated for the disturbance.
Submitted by Vera A. Nazarov
Orson Welles' critique of Donny Osmond:
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Ludwig van Beethoven to a fellow composer:
"I liked your opera. I think I will set it to music."
Rossini's opinion of another composer:
"Monsieur Wagner has lovely moments but some terrible quarters-of-an-hour."
Rossini's contrasting view of himself:
"Give me a laundry list and I'll set it to music."
From a review by Hedda Hopper:
"Her singing was mutiny on the High Cs."
Mark Twain makes this back-handed compliment:
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
Thomas Jefferson, in a letter to Nathaniel Burwell, 1818:
"Music is invaluable where a person has an ear. Where they have not, it should not be attempted."
Oscar Wilde's opnion of Wagner:
"I like Wagner's music better than any other music. It is so loud that one can talk the whole time without people hearing what one says. This is a great advantage."
Oscar Levant on the kidnapping of Frank Sinatra, Jr.:
"It must have been done by music critics."
Samuel Pepys, Diary:
"Music and women I cannot but give way to, whatever my business is."
George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman, 1903:
"Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned."
W. Somerset Maugham, A Writer's Notebook, 1892:
"Music-hall songs provide the dull with wit, just as proverbs provide them with wisdom."
Percy Bysshe Shelley, A Hate-Song:
"A hater he came and sat by a ditch,
And he took an old cracked lute;
And he sang a song that was more of a screech
'Gainst a woman that was a brute."
S. T. Coleridge regarding a Volunteer singer:
"Swans sing before they die -
'twere no bad thing
Did certain persons die before they sing"
Beaumarchais, in The Barber of Seville, 1784:
"Today when something is not worth saying, they sing it."
Sidney Smith's definition of music:
"...the only cheap and unpunished rapture on earth."
Oscar Wilde, in Impressions of America, "Leadville":
"Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best."
Robert Browning, in Up at a Villa - Down in the City:
"Bang-whang-whang goes the drum, tootle-te-tootle the fife;
No keeping one's haunches still: it's the greatest pleasure in life."
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